My Roommates are weird.

In what feels like a short span of time, I’m tiring of roommates.  The ones I have now…my one official roommate whom I’ll call “Lisa”, and her boyfriend “Jason” who unofficially now lives in her room…they’re kind of weird.

This isn’t going to be a roommate horror story, because they’re not that bad. We haven’t told them to leave since they’re nice, they’re pretty clean, and don’t clutter things much. But there are a few things I wanna vent. My boyfriend and I just returned from a weeklong trip away for the holidays, and it’s made me notice a few things I had to get out.

THIS IS PURE VENTING.

Weird Thing #1: They don’t know how to cook!

This is ALSO weird to complain about because at least that means there are no kitchen messes. Can’t leave those if you don’t cook at all! They’re both 32 years old and can’t cook a single meal – either they eat out, order delivery, or they buy microwaveable meals. What is this life?! I didn’t know how to cook when I moved out…so I got on the Internet and learned how. They forgot to do that last part.

Nothing wrong with a roommate who does cook; our previous one was great at cooking and baking, and was clean too. The only bad one was Elle, who cooked crappy food, never did dishes, and ruined our pans more than once. Irreparably. In Lisa’s defense, besides the lack of mess, they’re pretty good about washing their own dishes.

Weird Thing #2: They never leave their room. 

Remember that Jason lives in her room, so this is two people sleeping, eating, watching entertainment, and doing work all in a single bedroom. It’s like, 90sq ft. Now I will say she did a great job with the interior and is minimalistic, so there’s room…but still. I’d go insane, I’d have cabin fever. They never seem to use the living room despite our repeated invitations to use our TV, our game consoles, the couch, to eat at the lift top coffee table.

 I mean. They don’t have to. But it’s odd that they have no interest in doing that.

Weird Thing #3: Hiding

Jason hides in her room.

When Lisa is out at work or with friends,  and Jason doesn’t have class…he’ll be playing Xbox in her room, door closed, lights off, headphones on.

That sounds like maybe he’s being considerate, trying to not bother us. But we do EVENTUALLY realize he’s there when he exits to use the bathroom, and then my boyfriend and I get a little freaked out when we realize we weren’t alone all this time. That can be jarring since we weren’t expecting it. For me, it means I oughta keep my pants on at home at all times (nooooooooooo!!!!)

Weird Thing #4: Using our stuff secretly

Ok. So they don’t want to use our stuff, which we’ve offered to them repeatedly. But that’s only if we are present.

Anytime my boyfriend and I go away for a week or more….they finally start using our stuff. But I’d really prefer they also did it when we were around, it’s super WEIRD for me to come home and realize things in my room have been touched!!!!

Like just this week. My boyfriend and I were out of state, visiting his family. Because I cleaned the whole apartment before leaving New York, I left my awesome Miele vacuum in the office area. That’s not its usual spot, but I ran out of time and didn’t return it to the living room before our flight. You have to cross through my bedroom to get to it. When we came home, it was in the exact orientation I left it in…..so I thought no one touched it…

…..except everything was wrong with it once I used it. First, as soon as I plugged it in, the vacuum started. I NEVER pull the plug before switching it off!!!! Next, it was super loud because one of the valves in the handle was open, breaking the suction strength. I slid it back closed. Then I tried moving the vacuum and the rollers were down. Those should only be down if you vacuum a rug, and I own zero rugs. So I stepped on the foot switched to lift the rollers back in. Suction power was also set to the weakest setting, for fabrics. I last used this for hardwood which needs the strongest setting.

So every step of the way, there was clear evidence someone else (who also didn’t know how the hell to use my vacuum) used my vacuum. Taking the care to replace and orient it exactly how i left it in the office is weird. I’d rather they make it clear it was used, it’s less creepy. Or ask me to use it.  That’s also a way to make it not weird, and then I can explain how to use my expensive vacuum properly.

I always find some of Jason’s stuff in the living room after I return from a trip, so for some reason they keep refusing to use it only while we are there. I don’t know how to describe this to others and why it feels weird. But if they did that all the time instead of just when we weren’t there, it wouldn’t be weird.

There’s also a weird stain now on my boyfriend’s Cintiq. Wasn’t there before we left. That’s pretty weird. Also Jason finished our toothpaste, even though he and Lisa have their own tube. Found it completely crushed by a very determined fist on the bathroom counter.

And despite me saying they don’t cook, they must have tried while we were out.  We have a big non-stick pan in the kitchen, and my boyfriend and I baby it.  When we returned this week, I noticed there are several deep scratches in it, which annoyed the hell out of me.  We’ve told them numerous times not to use metal utensils on the non-stick, ever.  My boyfriend didn’t mind and said it’s only a $15 pan, but to me that’s not the point. 32 year olds, man.  They don’t listen, they don’t learn.

Weird Thing #5: Not doing communal chores.

Lisa and Jason don’t sweep or vacuum the hallway, bathroom, kitchen, or living room. The hallway gets all the traffic and gets so dirty I now sweep it daily, and that’s still not enough. I’m pretty sure the hallway is so dusty because they don’t take off their shoes…..even though I got a 3-tiered shoe-rack right by the door.  I kinda get it if you have boots, they won’t really fit.  But I have 4 pairs of boots and I take it off at the door, put on my house slippers, and that works out very well.  But it doesn’t matter if half the house isn’t doing that.  My bedroom is directly adjacent to the entrance of the apartment so hallway dirt will always trundle in to my bedroom.

I’ve waited to see if anyone else will wipe down the dust that accumulates in the bathroom. No one does so I do it once every 2 weeks. I scrub the grout since no one was doing that, and spray the walls maybe once a month.

I know she has a swiffer but she keeps it in her room. I would LOVE to mop the common areas. But I would be the weird one if I went in to her room and took it, then secretly returned it just at the exact angle she had it at in her room. She keeps her door closed and I respect that means she desires privacy.

Lisa bought a fabric shower curtain and matching floor towel.  It never gets washed and I refuse to do it. The curtain is getting yellowed. The point of the fabric kind is that you can throw it in the laundry, unlike the plastic kind, so what was the point? They wet the floor a LOT, so the floor towel gets completely saturated. They leave it there, till I get fed up and toss it over the shower bar two days later so it’ll finally dry. They don’t open the window after showering, which is the ONLY VENT, so we all struggle with moisture and mold there.  They’ve been told about this already and that makes no difference.  I think my boyfriend just goes in after they shower and opens the window himself.

Jason did a terrible job putting privacy contact paper on the window so there was a large bit hanging, and now it just has all this dust stuck to that edge. Their body scrubbing towel stinks and probably has never been laundried. I’ve washed the floor mat a few times but now I refuse to. No one has washed it in six months now and I think it’s visibly gross.

They don’t help assemble or take out the recycling. They never take out the trash.  Taking out the recycling isn’t really hard but it’s time consuming to break down the stuff, tie it up, and make the smaller ones actually fit in to the recycling bags rather than just piling it up as they do.

When I came home from Wisconsin, there was this crushed, hairy centipede at eye level on the hallway wall. Two inches from the mail rack. It’s just GROSS and why would you kill a bug THEN LEAVE ITS GROSS CRUSHED BODY ON THE WALL???

That’s a WEIRD thing to do, man.

So yea. I came home from the airport, walked through the door, and belted out a horrible scream.

They’re not bad roommates.

But they aren’t good ones either.

I might be done with roommates after these people. I’ve never had ones that take out the trash.  I do think this is it.  I think I just want to live alone (and with my boyfriend) for some time.

They do save us a collective $900/month, though.

Can anyone else commiserate?

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