I dislike working at HM, but the smile is still there on my face. It’s there for show, so that bridges don’t catch ablaze. Just in case. But inwardly, secretly, maybe not so secretly to those who count among my friends, I am not happy there. Let me count the ways.
1. Unorganized Server. This is terrible!! Seriously very detrimental to productivity, and it really messes with the OCD nature of my mind that I have been trying to suppress since childhood. Yeah, I was that kid who doesn’t play with her toys, she aligned her toys in size order instead, in very very long lines. An unorganized server means I can’t find anything on my own, I need to keep bothering the staff member next to me for where to go. For where to put things that I finish. No one can properly share project files, no one can properly just jump in to someone else’s project, because it’s not on the server. You know how people find things? They don’t! But when they really need to find things, they use the sort-by-last-modified area. And really, this is a terrible way to locate files, because it is a short term only solution. You would not be able to find something you did two days ago or – and I dread it – two months ago. You would have an aneurism. Yes, you would die.
2. Oppressive Producer. He’s the reason I’m working here, he’s my connection, the one who knew my name and my contact info. But he’s really kind of terrible! He gets so anxious and passes it on to me. He doesn’t really know how to do his job, either. This guy, he asks other people about how long things should take and how much to charge for certain tasks. These are things that a producer in our industry is supposed to know, because it is essential to his job…as essential as having two feet is to running. Like I mentioned before, he keeps beeping us workers on the speakerphone, and telling me to do unnecessary things. Thankfully, the other staff worker who sits beside me has my back. He will be like, “hmm, you don’t need to do that,” then get up and go talk to the producer in private to get me off the hook. That’s pretty cool of him!
3. Bamboo Tablets. What! Why? How can a professional studio use a Bamboo tablet instead of a proper Intuous one? We’re still artists, you know. It’s not just an ergonomic mouse, an Intuous tablet and pen are our chisel and mallet. It’s doable, sure, but I am left wanting for the extra sensitivity that a proper Intuous tablet gives. The pen sticks to things, digitally (it is clean), the pen is not as responsive on Bamboo technology. I wouldn’t even recommend Bamboo to an aspiring student artist. I’m a cheap person, but I would not cheap out on tools of the trade.
4. People Who Try to Meddle and End Up Ruining Everything. This includes producers but is not limited to them. They try to do things we workers/artists do, without the proper qualifications. They think oh, I know how to open this program and move a mouse around, hey, I can do what these artists do! Why are we even paying them the big bucks for? Well let me break it to you, there’s a reason you don’t get hired to do my job. There’s a reason I do get hired to do my job. It’s because I’m better at it than your average person, and I can get things done swiftly and efficiently. Hard as it may be with a terribly unorganized server. When you try to do my job and do it badly, you know it. You keep asking me how to do really basic things. This means I have to stop what I’m doing and come over to see what you are doing, how you are messing up, because you are so unknowledgable you are incapable of describing to me what is happening. So I fix it, then I return to my seat, and that’s a lot of time spent not doing what I was hired to do. I’m a TP personality, I can’t help but grimace at inefficiencies.
5. NO SPACE ON COMPUTER. NO SPACE ON COMPUTER. I don’t think I will get over this, there is NO SPACE ON MY COMPUTER!!! It’s equally as untidy as the server, if not more so, and no one who worked on it ever deleted anything. There is so little space I can’t even render a single file out of my work program…which is due two hours ago, so guess what I am forced to do, so that I can go home? I’m forced to indiscriminately delete things. And what the hell, man, why would anyone want 85MB trailers of movies and “best of” clips of…TWILIGHT? That entire movie series of Twilight, you need hundreds of MB of the best scenes? You know what’s better than the best scenes of Twlight, a leprous man having a bloody flux all over a wall. Delete. Delete it all. It’s your own fault you didn’t back it up, if you didn’t back up the BEST SCENES OF TWILIGHT PART 4. If you didn’t back up BELLA AND EDWARD’S KISS SCENE, sorry fiend [sic], you better learn your lesson for next time. It’s just impossible to work on a computer that has less than 1GB on its startup disk. Really, that is very dangerous to work on, you are jeopardizing the financial fate of your company. And isn’t anyone archiving this crap? Why the hell do I see renders _1, _2, _3 from two months ago on the desktop? You’re killing me, delete, you idiot, delete, I hate you, delete.
6. It’s freaking hot. Boiling. It’s 50F outside, I need a jacket and a sweater, but in that damn room with no windows it’s boiling. I’m pretty sure I stink by the end of the day from sweating so much – how unbecoming of a girl! – yet no one notices because everyone else probably stinks from sweating so much too. It’s all guys anyway, they don’t notice. The girls who do accounting and reception get windows and flowers in glasses, and they eat lunch together. I eat lunch in solitude, hidden away from the coworkers. I don’t understand why it’s so hot, they clearly have a thermostat, they clearly have central air. But they don’t seem to use it in our hovel. I did walk around the upstairs portion today. People stared as I did it. I didn’t care, I pretended to look around for someone and then went back downstairs, my heavy leather boots clomping around the whole time. It was nice to feel the sun, if only for a moment.
7. The late nights. They always say it isn’t going to be this way. Then they accept a job that must be finished in 2 days, yet would really need two or three people working on it for at least a week if not two weeks. No matter how many times you ask me how it’s going, it’s not gonna go any faster. In fact the more you ask me the longer it’s gonna take, because I have to explain to you what I’m doing when you ask me that. You don’t seem to be able to take “it’s going” as a proper answer, but what else can I really tell you? It takes at least a day if not more for a person to make the elements and assets you need. I don’t know how I’m going to do 7 videos by 1PM tomorrow. Especially not when I was pulled off from working on that to fix up the SHIT YOUR INTERN THREW ALL OVER THE PLACE. I was supposed to leave at 7PM, this became 8:30, and I actually left the place at 10:20PM. FML.
8. THE INTERN SUCKS. He seriously seriously sucks. Why did you hire him? You know, I can so tell he didn’t go to the same school as me. My school, we flood the industry, we keep getting hired, and for good reason. The basics were drilled in to us. The rules, the bare minimum that you need to know to not be an idiot at the computer. Those without common sense in what we do, they get weeded out and they learn they can’t handle it. Because our teachers are cruel and they love making us cry. You get a C and you fail. You’re absent twice and you fail. You’re late six times and you fail. No redemption. Just pressure and desperation. Hey intern, absolutely none of the text you painstakingly typed in to our program (copy and pasted from a document someone else prepared) was in TITLE SAFE. What the hell, that ought to be the first thing you learned about doing videos for TV broadcast. Also, why didn’t the staff guy whom you take orders from clear that up for you? He saw what you were doing and he did nothing. I said something and was ignored, but did my best to make sure everything fit in MY pieces. I thought that would be good enough, but no, I had to fix the Interns ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR compositions. I did not even bother bumping them in to title safe. But I fixed his weird copy and pasting, the illogical way he would break up sentences for the next line on the screen, and the stupid way he formatted some of the punctuation. Can’t even copy and paste, huh? One silver lining is that the Producer saw first hand how bad it was and kept cursing the Intern too. Stupid intern, what the hell is wrong with your common sense? You were born here, you speak English, you done it your whole life. You look like a nerd but you keep trying to speak ghetto and it’s MAD WEIRD YO. Also, what the fuck are POTSTICKERS? You offered to pick up my lunch order and I said I wanted grilled dumplings…AND THIS I REALLY CAN’T FORGIVE THE INTERN FOR. He brought me instead some boiled dumplings…yuuuuck….He had grilled ones (which I thought was strange, I am used to fried dumplings), and he said he got me boiled…which is not what I asked for at all….because they were DUMPLINGS, and not POTSTICKERS, he said. And that potstickers were grilled/friend and dumplings were not, and that dumplings were folded and potstickers were not—BULL SHIT THEY ARE FOLDED AND STUFFED WITH THE SAME FUCKING INGREDIENTS!!!!!!!! NEVER MESS WITH A WOMAN’S FOOD I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WANTED FRIED!!!! Style of cooking (fried) takes precedence over calling it dumpling or potsticker. You know what I call it when I go order it in Chinatown? Jiaozi, 5 for $1, and no one gives me damn boiled or steamed shit because it’s the same word, same thing. This is like telling me NO the sky is not BLUE it’s AZURE. I get it fried on a giant table sized iron plate in Chinatown and it tastes like the heaven you will never enter, intern. Also, you eat both “types” with the same damn sauce. Why the hell did you get me steamed. Never forgive, never forget. Yes I am on my period and it is ten days long. Your Taiwanese friend who said it’s the closest to Taiwanese dumplings he’s had in the city, I think your Taiwanese friend has been eating out of dumpsters. I had 100x better in Taiwan, and maybe 80x better here in NYC.
It was still better than the dumplings from Rickshaw. Nothing can be worse than that.
Also you put the wrong logos on the wrong stuff and you suck at your job. This is why you aren’t getting paid, intern.
I’m so angry about the potsticker-dumpling thing, I can’t even go on.
All I wanted were fried dumplings, and you robbed me of my one joy.
P.S. I don’t even understand the word “potsticker”, even if it exists in Chinese. I think it’s a mark of a bad cook. They should not stick to your stupid pan or pot. There should be enough grease and oil that this doesn’t happen, this shouldn’t ever happen with anything you fry properly. Do your eggs stick to your pan when you fry them? If they do, get a non-stick or LEARN TO COOK, BITCH!!!! My cast iron skillet is all I need. You know what happens if you fry a dumpling and it sticks to the pot? You scrape it off and throw it out, because it’s probably charred to ickiness and it’s lost it’s bottom and meat. Which is stuck to the pan, you failure.